The Work of the Bloody Baron
by HARRY.POTTER.QUICHE
Summary: He was in a school surrounded by hundreds of crushing, hormonal teenagers. What better place to be what Helena now called him - a matchmaker?
1. Finnigan and Thomas

**Round 10 of the QL, playing as Beater 1 of the Ballycastle Bats, writing about the Bloody Baron.**

 **Prompts:**

 **(word) history**

 **(song) Hello by Evanescence**

 **Restricted Section: Romance**

 **The New Quidditch Pitch: 'Now it was up to him.'**

 **Percy Jackson Challenge: Minos**

 **Valentines-making Station: Calligraphy**

…

The Bloody Baron was really not fond of his title. I mean- yes okay- he was covered in blood. But bloody implies fearsome and terrifying. He died out of sorrow because he had lost his love for Goodness sake! Love is the most beautiful flower in the meadow and he plucked it out of the ground carelessly. But not without remorse. The Baron had lost his love, but that didn't turn him against it.

He had never loved again, but he still appreciated the beauty of humans. There was that potions master all these years ago, and a headmistress even longer ago than that. Before that he liked a Herbology professor and then a head girl.

But more than anything, he tried to make sure nobody made the same mistakes he did. That nobody threw away a chance for happiness without thinking. He was in a school surrounded by hundreds of crushing, hormonal teenagers. What better place to be what Helena now called him - a matchmaker?

Helena, of course, was the only one to know. He had long since accepted that the daughter of his old boss would never love him back, and had befriended her, to her reluctance but eventual acceptance. She would never help him in his shenanigans but often laughed about them afterwards when he needed someone to listen to his story and admire his greatness. Of course, she just rolled her eyes, but he could see she was glad he had changed.

He had a history of setting up all of the happiest and most long-lasting couples. The best success rates in all of Hogwarts, in fact. He knew Dumbledore had been doing his best to beat his record for the last 40-or-so years, and, yes, he had to admit that the Potter-Evans success was a good one, but the old man had been working for not even an millionth of the time the Baron had. It was the Baron who set up Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, for Merlin's sake, centuries ago. He had been the spark behind hundreds of historical romances, and he did _not_ intend to let his work fall just because of _one_ particularly challenging couple.

The Baron had dealt with couples in denial before: Granger was sure she couldn't like Weasley, and (even if Dumbledore did most of the work) it had taken him ages to plant the idea of asking out Potter in Evans' head. Hell, Lupin had even been in denial that he was gay. He had to get him to see Black _naked_ before he could start properly working. That was the only time he hadn't watched his budding couple complete his work with glee, instead choosing to check on his results later. Sirius Black naked was _not_ an image he wanted in his head, no matter how successful it was with Remus.

But this time, I wasn't just a pair that argued all the time, or refused to ask them out, out of pride. It was a pair where, not one, but _both of them,_ were in complete and utter denial.

Not denial like, 'oh, don't be silly, of course I don't have a crush on him' or 'I'm sure he doesn't like me back.' They were buried so deep in their _bloody_ denial that it had never occurred to them that this boy might be their _bloody_ soulmate.

And so the Baron had stepped in. Now, it was up to him.

He had started with subtlety.

When it was leading up to Christmas he led them into mistletoe, and placed the idea into Longbottom's head that it would be hilarious for these two to be forced into seven minutes in heaven, or Spin the Bottle. When term started, he tripped them into the other, locked them in broom closets, and even re-tried a tactic he had used for Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadowes, which he would never disclose.

It seemed that Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan did not want to be together. Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan also did not want true love and happiness. Humph. But if anybody could set them up, it would be the Baron. He was sure of it.

The only way forward was to be blunt. He couldn't just float around whispering _'gay'_ in their ears and floating away (although that had worked once with the incredible singing duo, Christian and Trevor Morsen, who had become the most famous Scottish couple in history) or making them play Twister (his main tactic the whole way through the 1980's until it got suspicious). He had even considered love potions, which showed how dire the situation was, as that went against all of his principles.

In the end, of course, it turned out to be as easy as falling off a log.

He waited until they left for their last lesson on Friday afternoon. They had just had Charms together and now were heading for one of their two separate lessons of the week: Thomas to Ancient Runes, and Finnigan to Care of Magical Creatures. Friday evening was the only day where he knew they wouldn't have dinner together and therefore wouldn't normally see each other until around 5:30 in the common room. He had done his research.

The Baron had carefully written out two notes, not the same.

One read: ' _Dean, meet me in the Astronomy Tower after QP. I'll bring food XP –Seamus'_ in messy scrawl. The other, neatly penned out, held the words: ' _Seamus, come and meet me for dinner later in the Astronomy Tower? –Dean'_

Helena may laugh at him for being so careful, but he was nothing if not a perfectionist.

He slipped the respective notes in their respective bags as they turned in opposite directions for their respective lessons. Now, he just had to wait.

He missed Thomas opening the letter (Professor Babbling would notice him straight away, and he hated it when she saw him; she always looked terrified) but watched Finnigan's CoMC lesson carefully. Every time the boy opened his bag – whether it was to take out a book or a quill – and didn't notice the note, the Baron grew more worried. This plan, which he hadn't used many times before, always became obvious once the pair got to the tower. But he had never met a pair who _didn't even make it to the tower_ before.

Eventually, Finnigan found the note in the front pocket, while getting out a piece of scrap parchment to scribble the homework on. The Baron watched him study it in surprise, and then fold it up neatly and place it in his pocket. He then joined Longbottom to walk back up to the castle, and the Baron took a deep breath in. Assuming Thomas got his note (and he was much more likely to, being the more observant of the pair), the plan was underway.

The Baron left Finnigan to chat to Longbottom, and play Gobstones with Weasley, and Thomas to his Quidditch practice. Maybe Thomas being sweaty would make Finnigan _friendlier?_ With this theory in mind, he couldn't help bewitching the bludgers to fly a bit faster, to give him a more thorough workout. Who knows, maybe this would get Peakes sweaty enough that Grieves would ask him out; he was sure they were somewhere on his list.

He then left to set up the dinner. He employed a few willing house elves, and even took a few minutes to question Helena on whether teenage boys would prefer pie or chops (to which she had been no help at all: ' _I don't know, I was never a teenage boy!')._ He laid out candles, and made everything in the room different shades of red. He personally wasn't a fan of the colour, but centuries of experience had taught him that red was universally the romantic/date colour.

When Thomas stepped into the Tower at exactly 5:45 – covered in sweat, as the Baron had hoped (and a white shirt, as a bonus) – the Baron could see the exact moment Thomas got the picture. He froze for a second, and then smiled softly.

Maybe Thomas was less in denial than the Baron had thought.

"Seamus?" he called a couple of times, before stepping forward and wondering around the room. He gaped at the origami swan, and the heart made out of quiche. He had just turned to look at the stunning evening sky out of the window (the Tower was always the best place for dates), when Finnigan stepped through the door.

They stood there looking at each other for a moment, both expecting to be told it was a prank, or that it was for some girl they like, and does it look okay?

Then Finnigan smirked and said, "House elves did a good job, eh?"

Thomas laughed and his whole body relaxed. "Yeah. They done good."

They both sat down at the table, and the Baron turned on the music. It was Hello, by Evanescence. He hadn't heard of it, being a muggle song, but he knew it was Thomas' favourite.

"This is my favourite song!"

Well, duh.

He saw Finnigan smiling.

Then the two boys started chatting.

It was the same as their normal chatter, only both boys looking slightly nervous. Finnigan was fidgeting with his sleeves, and Thomas was tapping a rhythm on the table and playing with his napkin.

The Baron watched in complete bewilderment. This date had almost never failed, but it only ever took around five minutes (maximum) for someone to notice that neither of them sent the notes.

And these two boys were just casually chatting. Are they just thick?

The Baron sat there in a silent state of confusion and almost awe as the two blissfully ignorant boys ate and talked, until they decided that they should really head back to the tower ('Oh, merlin, it's almost ten! We've been here for nearly four hours!' 'Time flies when you're having fun.') The Baron watched the two boys smiling sappily at each other, and for once, didn't want to fake retch. They really were so stupidly adorable.

"I had fun tonight," whispered Thomas carefully as he stood up.

The Baron saw Finnigan's eyes flick to Thomas' lips, and he knew the other boy didn't miss it either, if the way he immediately leaned forward was anything to go by.

Soon, the two boys were comfortably making out, and the Baron managed to pretend to retch.

He turned, smirking, and headed for the steps, leaving the two happily kissing and whispering boys behind.

Mission a-bloody-ccomplished.

"Wait, what do you mean you didn't write that note?"


	2. Malfoy and Potter

**Valentines Making Station: Hold hands, Chocolate, Green, Bird**

 **The New Quidditch Pitch: "I taught you how to pick locks, and this is how you're using that skill?"**

 **Scavenger Hunt: Scorpius/Albus**

…

He had rules, okay? He had a lot of rules. Things that were acceptable to do, and things that weren't.

He would _never_ resort to a love potion. He was determined.

He would not resort to a love potion.

However, the Baron, he had to admit, he was an admirer of the work of Harry Potter. Normally he would consider his current plan a copyright problem, but it was for his son. Potter would want his son to be happy, right?

And so he set up his plan. Unfortunately, he didn't have any Felix Felicis; Love Potion however…

Well, technically he didn't have a Love Potion either, but nobody needed to know that.

Scorpius Malfoy and Albus Potter most certainly didn't.

He knew the Malfoy boy was in the Slytherin fifth year's boys dorm. Potter was out by the lake. And he wouldn't feel _that_ guilty about what he was about to do.

Alright, down to business:

Step one. The Baron went into the Owlery. He had to find the owl of Isabella Zabini. He had to admit, he probably should have found out which owl was hers beforehand. He finally grabbed a tawny owl with Zabini written on a small tag, and prayed he wasn't her brother's.

Then he scrawled out the note.

 _Albus,_

 _Come quickly! Someone slipped Scorpius a love potion and he is convinced he is in love with you! I've locked him in your dorm, but you better get here quickly!_

 _I'm seriously worried about him._

 _On the other hand,_ please _write down everything he says for future blackmail._

 _-Isabella_

He slipped the owl the letter and a treat, and then hurried off to lock the door of the Slytherin dorms. Malfoy was writing an essay inside.

Roughly two minutes later a panting, terrified looking Potter came sprinting up the stairs to the dormitories. He wiggled the lock and then, instead of simply casting an alohamora, he got down on his knees, and pulled out a pin and picking the lock.

Merlin, this kid was far gone. He didn't even use magic. The Baron had seen the blond teaching his friend to pick locks only a week ago. Not the Baron had been spying on them or anything.

 _Research._

Potter finally slams the door open, and Malfoy nearly falls off his bed when he jumps.

"Merlin, Albus!" He squealed. Then he saw the pin. "Did you lock me in, just so you could practice? I taught you how to pick locks, and this is how you're using that skill? Merlin, Albus." He squealed again.

The Bloody Baron tried not to snort as he saw the complete confusion on Potter's face.

"Listen, Scorpius. Whatever you currently feel for me, it's not real."

There was a glimpse of surprise on Malfoy's face, replaced by hurt, and then a mask. He snorted. "What are you on about?"

"I know you think you think you are in love with me. You're not."

This time there was a definite look of startled heartbreak on the teenager's face. He stared at the still panting boy for a long minute.

Then, "I know what I feel. I'm sorry."

The Potter let out a strangled groan and slapped his forehead, before walking right up to Malfoy and putting his hands on his shoulders. "You like Rose. My cousin. You always have! You even told me!"

Malfoy shook his head, and the Baron saw the glassy look over his eyes. "Nope, you're just a dollop-head. You confronted me on my crush and when I wouldn't tell you who it was, you looked at me with those knowing eyes. I mean you know everything about me, I thought you knew. And then you asked if they were in your family, and, I mean, you're in your own family so I said yes!"

Malfoy paused for breath and Potter stared at him. "No. No, it's a love potion. You don't love me, Scor. It's just the potion talking."

Malfoy gaped at his long-time crush for a moment, mouth opening and closing.

"Oh."

The Baron could practically see the gears turning in Malfoy's head and the slight terror on his face. His friend hadn't found he loved him, he thought he was under a love potion. And Malfoy knew he wasn't.

Instead of revealing, as the Baron had expected he would, he instead let his features school into one of shock, much to the Baron's amusement.

"I'm under a love potion? Oh, Merlin. I don't actually like you?" A brief nod. "Oh. Okay then, maybe you should stay away from me today then? I'll stay in here, and I can finish my essay."

Potter raised an eyebrow. "It's that easy?"

Malfoy rolled his eyes. "Hey, I'm potions expert, give me a chance. I think if I don't see you, maybe if you lock the door again, it should be fine. When was the potion given to me do you think? It should take five hours to ware off, if I don't get a new dose."

Potter was nodding slowly, looking ultimately relieved and worried at the same time. "Okay. Okay, I'll just…" He pointed at the door behind him, and then ran.

Malfoy's head fell into his hands, and the Baron couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying.

The next morning, Malfoy went straight to Potter and told him that it was all alright, that the love potion had worn off and Potter heaved a sigh of relief. The next few days made the funniest mission of the Baron's life (death?), and there had been some strong contenders before.

The Malfoy obviously worked out what had happened pretty quickly, and figured it was some sort of prank on Zabini's half. He was now doing everything in his power to keep Potter from discovering the truth.

When Potter went to sit near Zabini, Malfoy promptly pointed out his favourite pie at the other end of the table.

When Potter wanted to ask Professor Kanen about the effects of Amortentia, his watch suddenly showed that they were almost late for transfiguration. (Potter didn't even suspect anything when they showed up almost ten minutes early.)

When Potter wanted to borrow Malfoy's potions textbook, there was no page on love potions to be found, only a blank page in the middle under a clearing charm, which Potter didn't even notice.

It was the most entertaining week, but the students didn't seem to share his opinion.

Malfoy had lost them fifteen points when he wasn't paying attention in Charms, instead staring out of the window. Potter got a detention for doing his Care of Magical Creatures homework on the wrong type of centaur. Malfoy no longer helped Zabini win every chess game, and every bet against her. Potter had stopped helping his brother with quidditch practice when Fred couldn't.

Potter and Malfoy were distracted and the other students were starting to notice. The Baron was starting to think it was going to be a repeat of the legendary 1855 when the students had got so annoyed at a couples' flirting, that they locked them in a broom closet before the ghost could even begin his plan. This just meant that the pair were making out every few minutes instead, annoying their classmates even more.

This time however, while the Baron had to do no more, neither did their housemates.

Potter had just had twenty house points taken for reading up about a different potion when they were meant to be studying a shrinking potion. Amortentia.

The Baron watched the lesson in glee, seeing the moment realisation covered Potter's face. Seeing the moment he snapped the book shut and turned around, the moment his eyes locked on Malfoy, who was focusing solely on the potion he was making. He could see the moment Potter tried to get his attention, and the moment Malfoy saw him, and the moment Potter's eyes filled with hope as he realised what this could mean.

The Baron watched Potter sit through the rest of the lesson, messing up his potion and fidgeting consistently, and then a whole Charms lesson, before managing to corner his friend.

"Scorpius!"

"Al? What is it?"

"A love potion!"

A long silence.

"What about it?"

"When one is given a love potion, one falls in love with the person who gave them the drink."

"Well, yes."

"On that day, I didn't see you all morning! I woke up before you to help James with quidditch practice, even though I'm crap at it, and then I went to the library to get a book on astronomy, which I knew you wouldn't be interested in, because you finished the homework on Thursday! I didn't even have breakfast! I hadn't touched any food or drink when I got that letter which means —"

"You know I know what it means, Albus!"

Another long silence.

The Baron left them to do whatever it is that young, horny, teenage boys in love do when left alone. He hoped they had the sense to go back to their dorms and not do anything in the corridor.

Mission a-bloody-ccomplished.


End file.
